Today, as I went in my bedroom after breakfast to make my bed, I found the nastiest, crawliest bug on the floor. It was belly up and I couldn't tell if it was dying or just sunning itself. I couldn't bear the thought of going near it, so I vacuumed it up. Then I got all crawly and began to wonder if any of the furniture was hatching. After all, we rescued it from a barn, and it's old. Who knows what crawled up in the nooks and crevices. So I've deep cleaned through my morning, and deep cleaning makes one think.
I didn't expect marriage to come with this awkward phase. I feel somehow cheated by women before me, by those that "have it all". Their ambition glares down at me and my sorry lack of ambition. Nowadays, when I think about working, it's like trying to do a jigsaw puzzle. Does this piece go here? Will I be able to afford a nanny? Will Daniel continue to have weekdays off? When will I be at the "right place" in my career to have children? Will we ever be able to live off of one income? What happens if I become the only breadwinner?
There are many voices on the subject of women at home vs. women at work. The more formal arguments come from women at work...naturally. They get paid to write an article for the New York Times, or they are a top player at facebook who would make for a profitable book deal. The informal arguments (including possibly this one) are coming from women at home in the form of mommy blogs. For this reason, I wish mommy blogs weren't so nauseating. I wish stay-at-home motherhood wasn't associated with upcycling every piece of furniture (i.e. painting it teal blue), making gourmet meals for toddlers, etc. Nauseating as many of them are, they are making a great point. Many women are finding the working mother model hard to swallow. For some, it's so great in theory, and so miserable in practice.
As a babysitter, I have seen many versions of the working mother, from those that work nights or two days a week, to those that work a 9-5 with lots of nanny/hubby help. Sometimes I noticed a balance had been achieved. Other times, I witnessed heaps of stress on mothers, children and husbands as everyone tried to share the load. Don't believe me? Ask your nanny how many snide remarks she's heard your hubby make, or how many inconsolable "I want my mommy" crying fits she has had to deal with. I'm not trying to add to the working mother guilt, but I begin to wonder if we as women have more choice than we think.
As I'm not being paid for writing this, I will keep my argument short. I think it's ironic that we talk about stay-at-home-motherhood as though it's something new and novel. It's an old spin on an old classic. Why the war? Why the push to get an equal number of women in the CEO spots? Why does a 26-year-old woman feel like a mooching she-devil when she thinks about the stay-at-home life? Is there a happy medium? I hope I find it.
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